Vent time.

Lemme preface this by stating that the next day... this will sound imature... and rash... and full of  "teenage angst". Let me also preface this by stating that "I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck."

I sometimes get into "moods". These series of depression tend to run for about 4-12 days and during the time I turn into a dark masacist with an obsession with screamo music and Mahler. The really dark and depressing Mahler. And maybe Mozart's Funeral March. Really depressing stuff. And I really work myself into a fervor.... oooohhhh... boy do I want to just shut myself off from the rest of the world.

And I can see its coming, oh yes, I know its coming, but I don't stop it. I let it take control of me. And I become an object obsessed with getting people to find pity on me. I like to try and piss people off at me, and I find myself making other people think i'm mad at them, just to make them try and be nice to me... so I can push them away even more. Mwahaha...

These moods often co-exist with my inability to (perceived inability I might add) have control over various aspects of my life. Living under my parents roof is a great example. I love my parents to death, seriously, I do, and I like being home. But for some reason the fact that I am not my own boss anymore eats away at me like nothing else. 

Then there is the girlfriend, yes Gina, this is for you. The last bout of depression was brought upon by my inability to find a hot, nice, fun girlfriend. I guess that inability was what led me to become angry. But Gina, lemme say that I don't mean anything I say here... these are my testosterone hormones talking... I wish I could see you. But, life moves on. Really, I could use some pity and some kindness from you. You should understand that all I want to do is push you away, and be by myself, but deep down... yes deep down, all I really want is a shoulder to lean on. 

On the other hand... I can see your reaction as you read this as I type. You sit there, and turn to erica and say, "wow, he is over reacting, and just being a big baby". 

Whatever. 

Let me get on to what happens to me during these moods. My motto becomes "I don't give a fuck". About anything. I honestly could care less. And all I'd like to do is piss people off.

And its kinda sad, but I guess I'm just really really bipolar. I mean 95% of the year, I am the happiest guy in the world, and all my friends can vouch for that. But I guess I can't be happy all the time. I need that 5% of the time to just get things out of my system... reboot. People deal with it different ways. I get really really pissed off. At life. At everything. At myself. At you. Yes you. Everything you do annoys the shit outta me. Except colin, seeing as your the only one who reads this anyways... you're ok in my book, lol. 

Lemme tell you how the cycle ends. I get pissed at everything... but eventually I get pissed at myself. And I don't take criticism very well. So I'll get mad at myself, and I'll get motivated. Really really really really motivated. Which is nice. Its the only reason I kept working out, etc... 

And usually the exercise releases the hormones I need to not be angry and depressed. So honestly... it all comes down to being cooped up in a house, and not being able to work out. I swear thats all it is. But I still like to feel the power of being depressed. And its best to feel like that when there is no school. 

So, to sum up! I feel like no one tries to make me happy, except perhaps my parents. No one else really gives a shit, once again, except for a few of my friends back home who called me and asked to hang out sometimes. Props bros. The rest of you can burn in hell. I hope I insulted most of you, and made you pissed off at me. Thats how I feel, you can all fuck off, and I hope I get some nasty facebook messages.

And YES! I know how immature this looks! But you must allow a man a few days of weakness! I'm mature the rest of the year.

Oh great, BP probably is doing their background check on me, and they'll see this. Well, lemme add a disclaimer that I can't wait to get to Houston and work for you, and i'm entirely mentally stable, i just need to pump some iron. Seriously, 340 days of the year I"m super happy. 

Right now nothing makes me happy though. I did have fun today playing corn hole, but lemme tell you... this is the beginning of my depression, and no I'm not going to kill myself, and yes i'll be ok, and no I don't want to talk about it. 

I need to talk to Mrs. Davis...

.... about basketball tickets.

Oh, haven't you heard? The bird isn't the word, I'm the word and I'm telling you to go fuck off! Depression is natural, and important. I'm looking forward towards acting like an emo for a few days. 

I don't give a fuck. And Gina, you know I love you, but honestly, if I don't try at all for the next couple days its not because I don't like you, its because I don't give a fuck. 

Oh btw, people who are trying to convert me to find Jesus, please stop. Honestly, I'm a good moral person, but i'm sorry Christianity... your god is racist, and I don't like that. If you have a problem with that, let me know, and I'll explain.  I'll give you a hint. It has to do with people never getting a chance to believe in Jesus going to hell. If your parents are muslim... they tell you if you're a christian... you're going to hell. The christians say "you're going to hell if you don't love jesus", the jews just sit back and laugh because everyone else is going to hell except them, the Amish don't care because they don't care if anyone gets "saved" or not, but honestly... if your parents are muslim, you'll be muslim. Just like if your parents are christian you'll be christian. Aka... you're a Buddhist monk. You commit no "sin" in all of your actions in life (except original sin, but no one is around to baptize him). You are kind. you help selflessly, you never swear. And you get to go burn in fire and agony and darkness for all of time. Nashing of teeth. But just remember... God loves you. And you chose to burn in hell monk, because even though no one ever told you about Jesus, you shoulda converted. Enjoy hell. Except for most of the white people. They can go to heaven. And people from Latin America. Well... ok, a few of them.

Ok. I'm done. thats what I have to say. It'll look stupid tomorrow, but I don't care. Yup. I just don't care.

Thanks,

Guthrie

Best Day Ever!!!

Let me preface this by stating that finals week was very rough.

I've decided that today's blog will be a rantcast (kudos dan savage), not about politics or the world, or economics, but myself. Yes, I am a selfish bastard. But this is about me. 

First, this finals week was really rough. Really rough... I had three midterms in 26 hours, and two back to back. They were my hard ones also, arabic and calculus.

So I finished finals season feeling dejected, miserable, cold, and did not have much hope for the future. Then karma came and knocked.

So there I was... walking past the Granger School of Business right during the warm spell when snow was melting. And who would have guessed it, but voila! Right there in the snow was a pair of keys. They were magically popping out of the snow, and I noticed them. On the keychain was the keys to a saturn, as well as a couple of "perks" cards, for a grocery store, and shopko if you understand me. So I give the person's gym a call. Say that I have a bar code, but no name, well, the person naturally assumed I was here to steal her identity. That is, in fact, incorrect. However, they said they'd call her, give her my number, and then I could contact her if she called. 

Well, she did, and after my last final I dropped them off in her office. She wasn't there, but she was very very thankful. I didn't see what the big deal was, I tracked her down through a barcode, and got her keys back. Economics states that I helped improve efficiency. 

But this is deeper than economics. This is karma. Soon after I returned those keys, things in my life, things that were "on the cusp" suddenly swung my way. I didn't fail calculus, and I finally got word about my internship with BP. Not only did I GET the internship... they are paying me!

I'm ecstatic. So the bad side is i'm away from my girlfriend for a while, so i'll be horny, but besides that life is going well. I'm sitting in my bed just a-typing. 

So this summer I'm going to Houston for that internship. I'm very happy.

Thanks,

Guthrie