Creative Writing?

I’d like to preface this by stating that creative writing is a joke.

Yes. I said it. Let me also preface this by stating that I, despite my fluent writing style, whit, charm, humor, etc… am not an english major, and do not plan on becoming one. Hence, one must consider all of the following as “non-biased”, and perhaps even objective. Though, I would strongly suggest that anyone finding this objective NOT major in journalism, you obviously have no idea… wait… Perhaps there is a great job at Fox News, but be that as it may, I still think creative writing is a joke.

Not that I dislike it in any way-- I enjoy playing Miles Davis’s “Bitch Brew”, and letting the creative juices flow.  Reading a fun intriguing piece is scintillating, but what IS creative writing? I am not a man of details, or following step by step instructions. I prefer to not play by the rules, and instead I view the world in large broad concepts. This obviously works fine, and treats me well in something like say economics. Very Machiavellian, I know, its all about the ends, and to hell with the means, like following instructions.

So let me get this straight. You are supposed to write creatively, which, in my mind, means expressing yourself at the most basic level. Here you are, and here I am, and I’m trying to convey a message… and a point. I wish it was so easy! But there are all these… rules. Yes, rules, and preferences. If I were to be standing in front of you, and bitching about something or the other, my point is communicated even if speaking with mostly primal grunts, and awkward hand gestures. I'd like to make my case in point the "cavemen" of famous car commercials. Obviously if some primal human can save money on car insurance, one can explain what is on one's mind with slightly less clarity. Of course in writing, there are no cues to help you along. Like music, writing is "free". It just is. No one says that you have to play in 2-5-1 chord progressions, or play E7 chords until you die, but, everyone does.  Quite the same happens with writing. It is really a "free form" but preferences evolved.  So… over time, a series of rules, and “expected” grammatical jargon have evolved to “guide” mankind to some end.

My heart goes out to a Mr. Peter Hobbs, who wrote the book “The Short Day Dying” with virtually no punctuation. Bravo Mr. Peter Hobbs, see? That is TRUELY thinking outside the box. But most works like that are simply not excepted.

Lets peer into the future. Let us suppose that this blog takes off, and I write a series of best sellers, and become fabulously wealthy, marrying a blond model who is brilliant and plays in a rock band. I then have such a huge demand to pump out more volumes, that I dig into my past, and publish blog posts as… “Short Stories and Other Works -- An Anthology by Guthrie Weinschenk” (though in all reality, I’d change my John Hancock to Guthrie Miles). Well, don’t worry, this is just a shameless excuse to collect money by not actually doing any work. However, this entire paragraph would most likely be cut by some pen pusher at some publisher’s office. It is not needed, it is "poor writing", but it is how I talk. I write what I say in my head. Who are YOU to say that I "think" incorrectly? Why, its just preposterous! To say that I have written a sentence incorrectly is saying that I am a bad person, and my mental construct of communication is wrong. You might as well as be playing the race card... Bigot... 

That is what blows my mind. I dislike striking paragraphs of text out, because in my mind, writing is simply written oratory, and therefore it has to play by the rules of oratory. Mainly, if you call someone a “nagging cunt” you have to live with the consequences of your decision. It’s been said, and you can’t take that back. Conversely, you could write a 1000 page book about the “nagging cunt”, full of vicious remarks, and all you have to do is not save it and pull the plug of your computer. If you haven't frozen the RAM in your computer with an air can, or your computer doesn't have an autosave feature, or... Well, we'll just say that its gone. Here is the real question, was the outrage at the “bitching cunt” ever said? Did it exist just because it was never communicated? Very much the same question as “If a mime is in a forest, and a tree falls on the mime… does anyone care?” As one can tell, philosophy and writing obviously tie in with each other quite deeply.

This also brings to mind the story of a man who wrote a book, a full length book. He had just completed it, and had not shown anyone yet. He read his final draft, and loved it so much, he wanted to be the only person in the world to have the pleasure of reading it. He wanted to be special. So he burned the book, and all the copies. Where does the book exist? Only in his mind? Perhaps. A fond memory between two lovers lies only between the two of them, and yet that is a very real moment.

My point is, how can one “teach” writing, or an editor cross out phrases from a passage when the idea itself has very little to do with words, but in reality, it is all about emotion, and the connection between the communicator, and the communicatee. Even if the communicator and communcatee are just two people, and it is their shared memory. THEREFORE! When writing, I find it imperative that you follow the rules of oral speech when writing, instead of receiving a new rule-book. There are other fun differences between the two.

For example, when you talk, it is very hard to lie, you have to work to lie. Of course in writing, you have to work to tell the truth. It is much more work to site sources, interview "experts" and resist the urge just to sight wikipedia and call it a day (honestly, if I'm writing a paper on "my favorite band", I'm citing wikipedia and you can go screw yourself). Lying is easy when you write. People can’t say you are wrong because it is your perspective, and people are trustworthy. I could easily say that I have bright red hair and brown eyes. That is a lie. My hair is blond, and I have green eyes. But if I told you that I DID have brown eyes, and red hair, who are you to say I don’t? That is exactly the problem. You have a clear mental image of me now, and unless you’ve met be before, that mental construct will be forever engrained into your memory. In whatever form you form in your head, my blond hair and green eyes will create your mental image of me.

This is why it is so EASY to lie when you write. No one is double checking your facts. No doubt anyone who has ever met me knows quite well that I have brown curly hair, and blue eyes. Now those who have never seen my face before, you don’t know what to believe… I’ve shattered your trust. I am sorry about that.

That is why I am starting to blog, to regain your shattered trust. By the way... I am 6' 3", ripped out of my mind, with a face akin to Josh Hartnet, drop dead sexy, and have a wang that is in the upper 92nd percentile in size. I also am an indie rockstar, have lots of money, own a stake in Aries Maritime Transport Limited, and play classical violin.

Five of those are true. You get to guess. 

However, I still appreciate writing because it gives people pleasure and joy. And if one can give anyone pleasure or joy, especially for free, then the end is WELL worth the means, and I think the Machiavellian side in all of us can appreciate that.

Live well, eat well, sleep well, stay out of jail, find a new favorite band, favorite girl, favorite class, and book. Love life and pray that it’ll love you back.

Thanks,
Guthrie